THE EARMARK

U.S. Rep. Anh “Joseph” Cao (R-LA) is in a lot of trouble as he stares down 2010 campaign season.

For starters, he’s a Republican in an overwhelmingly Democratic New Orleans district.  His seat is the top target of the Democratic House Campaign Committee, according to the Swing State Project.  And just today Roll Call, the newspaper of Capitol Hill, ran the headline “Cao Most Vulnerable Member in ‘10.”  Folks, this is Bob Taft territory that we’re entering.

But not all hope is lost because Rep. Cao has a strategy, and it’s the same one that propelled him to victory in 2008:

1. Wait until your opponent is indicted for taking half a million in bribes, racketeering, money laundering and obstruction of justice.

2. Cruise to victory!

Now it’s true that Cao can’t fully implement said strategy until $90,000 cash is found in top challenger Cedric Richmond’s freezer, but hey — it’s still 14 months until the election, people!  Maybe Richmond is still out buying the aluminum foil.

And once Cao’s plan comes to fruition, the seat should be his for the next 235 years, after which it will return to a freshly-paroled William Jefferson.

In the most exciting development in academia since Alberto Gonzales became the Bobby Knight of junior level poli-sci courses, disgraced former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has agreed to teach a class at the City University of New York.

Although students will be drawn to the course by Spitzer’s personal charisma and tell-all tales of Robert Morganthau, the true learning will come from Spitzer’s hand-selected reading list.  And what’s on that list?  The course hasn’t yet begun, but here’s what we’ve learned so far:

DEFINITELY ON THE LIST

Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk - “Pugilistic” is the second-most common adjective associated with Spitzer, right after “bludgeoning.”

Lost Soldiers by Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA) - Spitzer’s students will be tested on their knowledge of “romping atop Simolzak’s huge frame,” and Webb’s book is the ultimate authority.

Those Who Trespass by Bill O’Reilly - Spitzer wants his class to learn that not every sex scandal involves pushing hookers to their brink, as his did.  New York’s own O’Reilly proved they could also involve tales of cunnilingus-obsessed, homicidal TV hosts and falafels.

Penny Flame’s Expert Guide to Rough Sex (DVD) - Spitzer owes everything to his mentor, and assigning her groundbreaking DVD to his class is just a small bit of payback.

O’er the Ramparts: Presidential Leadership for 2016 by Eliot Spitzer - Spitzer had 500,000 of these printed up in 2006 and he’s got to do something with them.

DEFINITELY NOT ON THE LIST

The Manhattan Madam: Sex, Drugs Scandal and Greed Inside America’s Most Successful Prostitution Ring by Kristin Davis - Davis’ tell-all memoir incorrectly states Spitzer’s preferred color of ball gag.

Eliot Spitzer - #1 Gringo! by Christopher Jansen - Ever the gentleman, Spitzer insists that globe-trotting former New York Sen. Hillary Clinton is in fact the #1 Gringo.

What do CNN, MSNBC, C-SPAN and all the broadcast networks have in common?  Well that’s easy.  None have exposed Ronald Reagan and John D. Rockefeller as pro-art communist weasels!

Thankfully though, we have Fox News to pick up the slack.  Their exposé began last night, when they dispatched in-house art critic Glenn Beck to tour the headquarters of NBC — in a building constructed by Rockefeller and afforded landmark status by Reagan.  And horror of horrors, what did Beck find there?  Why paintings!  And sculpture!  And it gets worse:  Some of it was made by foreigners!

Here’s Beck critiquing a 1937 bas-relief by Attilio Piccirilli, an American who happened to have been born in Italy.  From the Modern Art Notes blog…

“Who is this? Who is this?” Beck asked, his voice rising to a yell. “This is the strong leader taking that, using that industry and those machines to lead us into the, uh, bright future, led by our children. Gee, who’s having indoctrination next week? Oh yeah, that’s right, our  president. Completely unrelated. This represents, at the time this was made, Mussolini. This represents Mussolini.”

As the tour continued, Beck pointed out more of Rockefeller/Reagan’s communist gems, including a Carl Paul Jennewein painting that features both a hammer and a sickle.  Although they’re on opposite sides of the painting, and also those symbols predate communism by centuries, but Glenn Beck is really angry so let’s just follow along and try to shield our eyes from the spittle.

Despite Beck’s vigor, the tour did not get past Rockefeller Center’s lobby.  Although we assume Rockefeller and Reagan stashed their most valuable commie cache up on the top floor, Beck could not venture so high for fear of a lightning strike to his tin-foil hat.

The consequences of Ted Kennedy’s death have hit far and wide, from healthcare reform to civil rights to the Washington drinking scene.  But nothing may suffer a more  dire fate than Massachusetts’ blissful lack of moronic ex-jocks running for office.

With Kennedy gone, his unfilled Senate seat has opened the bullpen gates for ex-Red Sox blowhard Curt Schilling to run for office and presumably start comparing trade deficits to ERA…

A day after writing on his blog that he has “some interest” in running for the seat held for nearly 50 years by Democratic Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, Curt Schilling did not back off — and sounded even more determined in considering the opportunity…

A registered independent and longtime Republican supporter, Schilling wrote on his blog that while his family and video game company, 38 Studios, are high priorities, “I do have some interest in the possibility.”

What adds intrigue to the story is that Schilling, by seeking Kennedy’s Massachusetts seat, would actually replace retiring Sen. Jim Bunning (R-KY), in order to fulfill the Senate’s quota for old, white, conservative ex-jocks whose primary foreign policy experience was pitching a few games in Canada.  (Or in Bunning’s day, the Dakota Territory.)

Schilling’s resume contains appropriate similarities to Bunning’s — for instance, his heroic World Series victory on a bum ankle rivals Bunning getting attacked by little green doctors.  Still, we won’t be true believers until Schilling predicts a Supreme Court justice’s death, attempts to sue the Republican Party, and loses all of the computer/social media comprehension he currently possesses.

Meanwhile, by this same logic, Bunning’s successor must fill the Ted Kennedy void.  Given that the criteria requires the candidate to be dashing, proudly liberal, ready to party — and, very important, willing to spend a lot of time in Kentucky — it appears the list starts and ends with George Clooney.

Nor will the New York Democrat be chairing the housing, banking, or general honesty committees.  Why?  Because those duties would all clash with his current slate of corruption running the House Ways and Means Committee.

Here’s how the Washington Post breaks it down…

Mr. Rangel’s amended financial disclosure form, which exposes omissions from his 2002 through 2006 records, is a treasure trove of outrage. He neglected to report a checking account with the Congressional Federal Credit Union and one with Merrill Lynch, each valued between $250,000 and $500,000; the tens of thousands of dollars he’s earning from dividends from a number of mutual funds and stocks; and the money made from the sale of a Harlem townhouse. As a result, Mr. Rangel’s reported net worth doubled, from between $516,015 and $1,316,000 to between $1,028,024 and $2,495,000.

Now Rangel has a number of excuses he can claim for such transgressions.  Among them:

* A couple million dollars is chump change when you’re Charlie Rangel.

* He opted to forgo the middleman and hand his tax dollars directly to Jack Murtha’s friends and relatives.

* He’s still a hell of a lot better at math than anyone working in the White House.

Unfortunately for Rangel, none of those excuses will be good enough to wrest the Math Committee chairmanship away from its current holder, Rep. Don Young (R-AK).  If you’re gonna get creative with the numbers, why stop at six digits?

Alec Baldwin is not a Republican, but he plays one on TV.  His character Jack Donaghy is an institution on NBC’s 30 Rock, defined by his business prowess and his lust for Greta van Susteren.  And while Baldwin’s real life political views are more of the scream-at-women-in-fur-coats variety, he’s so convincing on TV that even conservatives like Matt Drudge are trying to get into his pants.

Now FCC regulations indicate that an article about contrived political beliefs cannot go beyond a paragraph without mentioning Joe Lieberman, the “Independent Democrat” from Connecticut.  Although he currently caucuses with the Senate Democrats, Lieberman is perhaps best known for his full-throated endorsement of Republican John McCain in the 2008 presidential election.  This followed Lieberman’s own failed run for the Oval Office in 2004, running simultaneously on the Democratic and Anti-Masonic tickets, and his defeat in the 2006 Connecticut Democratic primary to Ned Lamont, whose only qualification for the job of US Senator was having an active Moveon.org account.

So you can probably see where we’re going with this…

Baldwin, a proud Nutmegger (that’s New England slang for a person who technically lives in New York) has been making noise about challenging for Lieberman in 2012.  Declaring that he “had no use for” the turncoat lawmaker, Baldwin suggested that he’d consider a jowl-rattling campaign to return Lieberman’s seat to Democratic hands.  Lieberman replied by imitating Baldwin’s Hollywood buddy Clint Eastwood, but unfortunately the fun ends there.

You see once it dawned on Baldwin that running for Lieberman’s seat would require him to move out of New York and actually live in Connecticut, he began getting cold feet.  So as of press time, he’s out, but not before one final dig at old Joe, calling him a “moderate Republican.”

But Baldwin backed out too hastily.  He might believe that serving as Senator from Connecticut would require you to live in the state, but he couldn’t be more wrong.  As it turns out, the Nutmeg State is currently represented by Iowa resident Chris Dodd and New Hampshire’s own … (drumroll)

Joe Lieberman.

Senatorial bad boy Jim Webb (D-VA) touched down this morning in Myanmar (nèe Burma) to lay down the law with the nation’s oppressive military regime.

Webb is just the man for the job.  As a  highly decorated former Marine Corpsman and a much-feared Ultimate Fighting champion, the senior senator from Virginia has guts, stamina, and the killer instinct needed to deal with the leader of Myanmar’s junta, Senior General Than Shwe.  After all, this is a man who already took on and conquered a much more formidable foe: the vicious, noose-swinging Confederate reenactor Sen. George Allen.

Webb had this to say in a press conference last night:

She romped on top of Simolzak’s huge frame, straddling him with her hands on his chest, her back arched and her breasts flailing wildly in the air. Her back was to him and her long hair swung from side to side as if accentuating the abandonment of her screams.

Whoops, wrong quote. That one was from Webb’s recent novel, Lost Soldiers.  He actually said something regarding Myanmar.  The details are irrelevant.  What really matters is that this is an epic matchup.

In one corner: Than Shwe, the Asian sensation that’s oppressing a nation.  In the other corner: Jim Webb, the Ayatollah of Annapolis.  At stake: the fair hand of Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, Burmese democracy leader.  The rules: none.

Senator Harry Reid (D-NV) is a deeply unpopular man right now.  How unpopular?  Well, in a recent poll that had Reid hypothetically matched up with Osama bin Laden, Nevada voters wanted to know bin Laden’s running mate before committing to a candidate.

Okay, so maybe that poll doesn’t actually exist.  Yet.  But the point is that Reid couldn’t beat a drum right now.  So the stage is ripe for an upstart challenger to move in and snatch his Senate seat from right under his jowls.

Apparently that upstart challenger won’t be U.S. Rep. Dean Heller, arguably the most popular Republican in Nevada.  You see, Heller sat back and thought about the prospect of approving Cabinet members, grilling Supreme Court nominees, and joining the most powerful governing body on the planet, and then leaped to the logical conclusion: That’s all well and good, but what about high school sports?

Rep. Dean Heller, R-Nev., has decided not to challenge Sen. Harry Reid in 2010 and will run for re-election in Congressional District 2…

He said a key factor is that his daughter enters high school this fall.

“If I run now, I’m a member of Congress and spend the next year and a half running for Senate,” he said. “I don’t want to miss her first two years in high school.”

Okay, so we’re a little confused. Rep. Heller.  You’re saying it’s nonviable to spend time at your daughter’s high school when you’re a Senate candidate, but that’s totally kosher when you’re actually in government as a United States Representative in a time of war and economic turmoil?

Well you’re damn straight it is!  Our source for such a claim? Why, Rep. Dean Heller (R-NV), as evidenced in this priceless quote:

“Nothing compensates for the time I’m not at home,” Heller said, noting that he missed every one of his daughter Emmy’s track meets this season.

“Next year, I’ll miss votes just to go to her track meets,” he told the students. “It’s that important.”

Wait, it is?  The 400 meter hurdles are more important than passing a national budget?  The javelin more important than military appropriations?  And yet, by Heller’s logic, campaigning for Senate would supersede both sets of duties.  “Forget Emmy’s broad jump, forget the declaration of war back in Congress… I’ve got to scarf down waffles with resentful voters in suburban Reno!”

Well, give Heller this much: Family is at the top of his list. By setting aside a campaign for them, Heller will impress the voting public who, it turns out, actually hate it when congressmen try to talk to them.

The decision also shore up Heller’s support within his own family, on which he still relies for guidance, pleasure and– most important of all– haircuts.

Guess Harry Reid’s going to have to find someone a little less principled to lose to.